December 10, 2014

Day 5

I'm starting to feel better and get over this whole cough/upper respiratory infection thing, but this detox gig is still kicking my ass.  I just woke up from sleeping over 14 hours and I'm STILL exhausted.  I have no motivation or energy to do anything and even making my bed was a fucking chore and was absolutely grueling.  I need to work up the drive to do the things I know I need to do to take care of myself but all I want to do is lay down.  I started with the first positive action of the day and started making my rounds of texting people and reaching out to everyone on my list.  That's helped a lot and has gotten me talking instead of just isolating.  I know I need to find a ride to a meeting though and also start writing on my Step 1 again.  My efforts of building and fostering a support group, however, have definitely been successful and are paying off just like the program says it would:  when 1 person is busy or doesn't answer, I've got others who do answer and are available and I'm not just relying 100% on Shaun or Brenda, I've got a whole network of people I can turn to and talk to so I don't isolate in my apartment and then bitch about being alone.
Some sad news, though:  it looks like my friendship with A_____y isn't going to last.  We had originally made an agreement to get clean together, but yesterday we talked and he was already trying to score again.  While I don't judge him for not continuing on this journey of trying to get clean with me, I don't see us continuing on any level of friendship if we're not anywhere on the same page anymore.  His focus is still scoring, getting high, and staying/maintaining that high, and mine is getting clean and putting distance between dope and myself and bettering myself as a person and getting some stability and growth in my life.  And Shaun said it best:  "he'll get me high before I manage to get him clean," and I'm not letting somebody else's disease take me out.  If I go down it will be my own disease, my own addiction that has me pick up again, NOT somebody else's.  So I may have to let him go so he can do his own thing and I can do mine.  That makes me sad, but there's no other alternative if I want to stay clean and in recovery.