I'm starting to realize that "I'm sorry" means absolutely not a goddamn thing unless you put action behind it. I can say I'm sorry until I'm out of breath and blue in the face. But what really says "I'm sorry" and how to make amends for my defects showing up in my behavior is by acting differently. The more actions and time I put between now/myself and the mistakes I've made equals to the growth in character I want to achieve and display.
What makes it especially hard are the behaviors and defects that I'm not even aware of until someone (let's call him shmandrew) points them out.
Self-righteousness, indignation, and rationalization of my self-centeredness being some of my biggest problems, normally I'd get defensive, write him off, and end it with a "fuck you, it's not me, it's you" statement. But what drives the point home and really makes me listen and pay attention is the fact that I can see the effect my actions and behaviors have on him. With that feedback, it makes me realize and see that some of the things about myself I've been completely oblivious to are, in fact, not acceptable and are some crucial defects of character that need to be tended to ASAP.
I understand that "we don't recover overnight" and that it's "progress, not perfection." I just hope that he does or has some semblance of understanding of those same concepts and he's patient with me. I'm trying. I really am.
I'm just fearful that it's not happening fast enough?
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