"Things"

Things?  it's ridiculous how such a stupid sounding word can be used a term that be used with the intent of encompassing an entire group of something or the entirety of a situation.  like things with me right now.

"things" right now are neither here nor there.  i'm just here.  While I'm not about to start marching in some parade for how great I am or start jumping up and down proclaiming that I'm just all better and fixed and wonderful, at the same time I'm also not wallowing in the feeling that I am stuck in a ever-sinking, tar-pit, slow death-like form of life that was all that was left after i destroyed it.  So, in a nutshell, I feel better in the sense that I can admit that:  yes, "things" are getting better (not 100% yet), but I feel less....fractured and trivial and disappointing than I did at life a few weeks ago. 

But I'm still not good.  Maybe it's just right now.  As in this particular moment at 12:42am.  I said it before and I'll say it again:  night time is dangerous for me.  it's quiet, and i'm by myself.  and the silence can be dangerous for my mind and my skin.  So maybe right now would not be the best time to do a self-assessment of how great I am. 

But overall, hopefully I'm not being too overly zealous, but I feel as though "things" are, possibly, just maybe, starting to mend...that I'm maybe starting to punch my way out of the wooden box that I buried myself alive in at "The Lonely Grave of Paula Schulz." 

i still think about him every day.  nothing has changed there.  i still have every feeling for him i did when this all began.  I am working on me, slowly but surely.  But every single feeling and yearning and pang of guilt and remorse and love and wanting to be near him and with him is still very much alive every day in my head. 

at times i almost feel like my own fucking brain is the biggest detriment to the rest of my health and my life. 

"myself will be the death of me"