not so sweet home

i got the rest of my belongings from the other house today. 
there was this funny thing that happened....i was walking through the dining room back out to the front room, and the dining room has one of those hanging cheap home depot made chandeliers that hangs so low from the ceiling that if there isn't an actual dining room table underneath it, there is a very high statistical probability that someone's face will be colliding with said chandelier at any given moment during the evening.  anyway, after making a trip through the kitchen to make sure i grabbed everything, i was rather briskly walking away -- without looking might i add -- and i looked up and there was the chandelier coming at me.  then i felt his hand on the side of my face and he gently pushed me out of the way, avoiding any injury/loss of eyesight/etc. 

what is significant to me about this isn't the fact that mr psychiatrist had a hayday with prescribing me stuff enough to where i didnt even see this thing coming at me, but the feeling of his skin on my skin literally was like a blast of heat igniting on the side of my face, mixed with a bit of electricity.  in the 2 seconds we took to laugh at me being a fuck-tard and almost losing an eye, inside i got profoundly sad all over again, because i started to fiend and crave that touch and then realized that i can't have it anymore.  while activities came to a close and we realized that the last of my belongings had been cleared out, that's when my resolve began to crumble and i knew my exit had to be made soon, otherwise, i'd completely fall to pieces in front of him -- and from the looks of things, i think he had been cleaning the floor. 

it felt like a goodbye, just because of the immediate physical circumstances.  but i will answer your question back right now:  no it is NOT.  not from my end.  i know i screwed up.  that does not even begin to encompass the things that i've done.  but he is my boy and my sunshine.  and i will do what i have to. 

so now that that's done, i spent the rest of the evening putting my room back the way it was before i moved out.  there are some things missing...things he gave me, made for me, cards he gave me, the picture of us, but over all, my room is back up and running and it is back to the 'batcave retreat' status it had previously.

so then why does it feel even emptier than it did before?