after recognizing that i needed to get out of bed -- at some point or another -- i finally put my glasses on, checked the list of things that needed to be done as set out by parentals, and set about them.... one of them being to hose down the backyard patio (we have the 2 dogs that like to pee on everything BUT the grass)....
once i set foot outside, i realized that this was the 2nd time i'd seen the sun in about a week (not counting my first few steps of freedom out of Rawson-Neal)...and i hated it. i hated everything about it: i hated how bright it was, how it was all encompassing, how it wouldn't go the fuck away no matter where you walked, how it, somehow, in its incessant shining was holding some falsehearted promise that said "see? everything is going to be fine." so to the sun i say fie to you. i promptly did what i needed to do, finished up, took a shower, and am back inside under a blanket where i belong. at least in here i can't screw anything up.
as for the real sunshine that i miss....i think i just have to be patient. i made a horrible mess of things. in every conceivable way, but i will not give up. and i can only hope that throughout all this and as i try to mend myself, neither will he.
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