i started screaming yesterday.
it was the strangest thing.
i was on the 15 heading home and i started thinking about Kona Grill, and the movies, and Final Destination 4...and the list goes on and on...
and i just started screaming. i screamed so fucking loud and at the top of my lungs that it hurt, and the next thing i knew i couldn't see because i was crying. and i had to pull over, and i sat there for 10 minutes just screaming and screaming and screaming and crying and crying.
i have never ever EVER felt this before.
complete and total decimation and helplessness
is this what it was like for you?
no wonder you hate me
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
what i did today
i wrote a letter today.
not just any letter. it was a suicide letter.
it's strange. i haven't actually written a letter in a long time. email doesn't count. there's something special i think that's been lost to us as technology has developed: that special feeling of excitement/dread/anticipation/anxiety that we used to feel when unfolding the paper that a letter to us was written on. so i actually found myself trying to remember how many line spaces to use at which parts of the letter for a proper layout...but then i remembered, if the intended recipient ever actually reads this, proper grammar and punctuation won't really count because...well...you'll be dead now won't you.
as i was writing, half way through, i realized that the anxiety and shortness of breath and panic i was feeling wasn't on accident...i realized that it was because the timing wasn't right. there have been moments in the past where as i'm doing something or something is happening, it's one of those things that you just know feels right...it's hard to explain unless you know what i'm talking about. anyway....that feeling? it wasn't happening during this particular moment, and I knew the intended recipient would not be reading this letter today, but i kept writing.
and at the end of it and after reading some of the points i wanted to make and some of the statements i made, i also realized that all of them still held true. and that while the action that i originally intended to take today didn't feel right.....i still realize that it's just that it didn't feel right today.
so i saved the letter.
and i'm filing it away for now, because i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that, but i know that if and when i do decide to take that step, at least i can know that i've put some thought into it and what i'm going to offer to those affected...or may not be affected at all, who knows.
*************edit*********************
and some of you may be wondering why i even wrote this, because "oh gosh now that person knows anyway"
but it's okay....
he's not reading any more.
not just any letter. it was a suicide letter.
it's strange. i haven't actually written a letter in a long time. email doesn't count. there's something special i think that's been lost to us as technology has developed: that special feeling of excitement/dread/anticipation/anxiety that we used to feel when unfolding the paper that a letter to us was written on. so i actually found myself trying to remember how many line spaces to use at which parts of the letter for a proper layout...but then i remembered, if the intended recipient ever actually reads this, proper grammar and punctuation won't really count because...well...you'll be dead now won't you.
as i was writing, half way through, i realized that the anxiety and shortness of breath and panic i was feeling wasn't on accident...i realized that it was because the timing wasn't right. there have been moments in the past where as i'm doing something or something is happening, it's one of those things that you just know feels right...it's hard to explain unless you know what i'm talking about. anyway....that feeling? it wasn't happening during this particular moment, and I knew the intended recipient would not be reading this letter today, but i kept writing.
and at the end of it and after reading some of the points i wanted to make and some of the statements i made, i also realized that all of them still held true. and that while the action that i originally intended to take today didn't feel right.....i still realize that it's just that it didn't feel right today.
so i saved the letter.
and i'm filing it away for now, because i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that, but i know that if and when i do decide to take that step, at least i can know that i've put some thought into it and what i'm going to offer to those affected...or may not be affected at all, who knows.
*************edit*********************
and some of you may be wondering why i even wrote this, because "oh gosh now that person knows anyway"
but it's okay....
he's not reading any more.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Forfeit (pt 2)
i really really REALLY don't want to play anymore.
none of the options in front of me to continue playing are good ones, there's a really shitty one, and an even shittier one. and i don't want either of them.
and quite honestly i'm really ready to just throw in the towel because i'm pretty convinced that it'd be the best option for the rest of you anyway as all of you could fucking move on already and not have me constantly bringing a rain cloud into your day.
especially you. i think i've spoiled your days enough, i really don't know why you continue to even keep me around for anything.
none of the options in front of me to continue playing are good ones, there's a really shitty one, and an even shittier one. and i don't want either of them.
and quite honestly i'm really ready to just throw in the towel because i'm pretty convinced that it'd be the best option for the rest of you anyway as all of you could fucking move on already and not have me constantly bringing a rain cloud into your day.
especially you. i think i've spoiled your days enough, i really don't know why you continue to even keep me around for anything.
Monday, March 28, 2011
life: neatly packaged with instructions
as of today... my life is in that stupid fucking bag. and i hate it
and i hate today
and i hate everyone today
but first, foremost, most importantly, most significantly, most passionately, the absolute deepest ...
is that i fucking hate me and my life today. for right now, in this second, i don't want it
and THAT'S where I'm at today.
and i hate today
and i hate everyone today
but first, foremost, most importantly, most significantly, most passionately, the absolute deepest ...
is that i fucking hate me and my life today. for right now, in this second, i don't want it
and THAT'S where I'm at today.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Forfeit
ok....giving up isn't an option.
none of you fuckers will let me. otherwise i would.
is there a forfeit option? like when you know you're gonna lose the game anyway no matter how hard you play....so, can i just forfeit?
please?
none of you fuckers will let me. otherwise i would.
is there a forfeit option? like when you know you're gonna lose the game anyway no matter how hard you play....so, can i just forfeit?
please?
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