what i did today

i wrote a letter today.

not just any letter.  it was a suicide letter.

it's strange.  i haven't actually written a letter in a long time.  email doesn't count.  there's something special i think that's been lost to us as technology has developed:  that special feeling of excitement/dread/anticipation/anxiety that we used to feel when unfolding the paper that a letter to us was written on.  so i actually found myself trying to remember how many line spaces to use at which parts of the letter for a proper layout...but then i remembered, if the intended recipient ever actually reads this, proper grammar and punctuation won't really count because...well...you'll be dead now won't you.

as i was writing, half way through, i realized that the anxiety and shortness of breath and panic i was feeling wasn't on accident...i realized that it was because the timing wasn't right.  there have been moments in the past where as i'm doing something or something is happening, it's one of those things that you just know feels right...it's hard to explain unless you know what i'm talking about.  anyway....that feeling? it wasn't happening during this particular moment, and I knew the intended recipient would not be reading this letter today, but i kept writing.

and at the end of it and after reading some of the points i wanted to make and some of the statements i made, i also realized that all of them still held true.  and that while the action that i originally intended to take today didn't feel right.....i still realize that it's just that it didn't feel right today.  

so i saved the letter.  

and i'm filing it away for now, because i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that, but i know that if and when i do decide to take that step, at least i can know that i've put some thought into it and what i'm going to offer to those affected...or may not be affected at all, who knows. 

*************edit*********************

and some of you may be wondering why i even wrote this, because "oh gosh now that person knows anyway"

but it's okay....

he's not reading any more.