UNMANAGEABILITY!!!!!!
yes, that's right folks. Once again, because I tried to run the show again with what I thought was more important than this, that, or the other, I've been slipping in certain areas of my life that, normally, I'd be on top of no problem. But lately, take yesterday for example, I've become sloppy and am making mistakes that only basic bitches make that reflects a lack of maturity, responsibility, and accountability. Yesterday I had an appointment at 4:15pm with my psychiatrist for my monthly follow up, just to check on me, see how I'm doing, and write new refills on my prescriptions that I need that keep me from going absolutely fucking bat shit crazy. I got home from the meeting I went to yesterday morning at around noon and decided "hey, I have a few hours before I have to leave for this appointment, let's lay down and take a nap." So I laid down...and took my nap.
For 5 fucking hours.. I didn't wake up until 5 oclock and immediately realized I fucked up.
I've been beating myself up all night last night and again this morning for making such a stupid mistake and for letting other things step into the foreground of order of importance, shifting recovery and meeting attendance and all that's associated with that to the background, which, ultimately I know is the culprit in this current sequence of events. So it's no mystery to me why I'm missing appointments or not meeting the call of responsibilities: my priorities have been jumbled up and it's now my job to reshuffle them and get back on track. I have nobody to blame but myself and nobody can fix this for me but myself.
Luckily, I called my psychiatrist's office this morning and explained the situation to them and they had a cancellation today at 2:45pm so I took that option and am going to be able to make up my appointment today.
As for the job situation update, only bad news to report. I was supposed to have my second and final interview with InvestPro Realty yesterday with the owner who I would've been directly reporting to had I been offered a position. However, knowing what some of the tasks and duties of someone in that position entailed, I emailed the individual I previously interviewed with that was in charge of hiring new candidates and informed her that while I was able to get to and from work on time without any problems, I did, unfortunately, not own a car and that I relied on the bus for my transportation. I got an email back promptly a short few minutes later informing me that, unfortunately for me, the position would require an individual with reliable transportation to be able to complete some of the tasks and duties assigned to them by Kenny (the owner). She then thanked me for informing her of this ahead of time and saving all of us the time out of our day to meet for another interview only to find out I wasn't qualified to meet the job duties, and that was that.
Needless to say, I wasn't, and am still not, very happy. I fucking need a job to make money and save that money to buy a car. But with every place that's taken interest in me I need a car to get to that job. So it's all fucking cyclical and stupid and ass backwards and I hate it and I'm frustrated and I just want to punch somebody in the fucking throat.
I think maybe I'm going to shift the focus and attention that I've been spending on getting my resume out there and applying for jobs for the job that isn't coming to both A - recovery and B - starting the business with K_____. At least with effort and time and energy into those 2 avenues, I'll get results and a pay off of some sort.
#frustrated #annoyed #fuckingsickofthisshit #goddammitiwishicouldgethigh #godswillnotmine
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