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Good morning faithful viewers.  So yesterday I expressed my concerns regarding my level of preparedness for an interview (any interview for that matter) and that I didn't feel as though I was properly equipped and outfitted for success and making a good first impression.  Despite the owner of this real estate company's insistence, I did, eventually, get her to agree to push the interview back from yesterday until today, later this morning.  Given that extra time, I was able to get in touch with my mom (who had just gotten back into town from a week long trip to New York) and she was able to take me shopping to go get the missing elements of my desired "successful interview" outfit.  It also gave me time to talk to her about the current situation, and what I need to keep in mind in moving forward with finding a job and what that would mean to my current disability benefits as well as my medical benefits/insurance coverage.  Turns out that there's a lot of research and information I need to review first before I make any decision if a job IS offered to me.  While I may be only pulling in a whimpy, very low dollar amount of money every month with disability benefits, it also means that I'm qualified for medicare coverage that has basically been paying for all my medical expenses, 100% (co-pays for doctor's visits, prescriptions, etc.).  So to get a job is a toss up with some of the benefits as well as some of the things that I would be giving up and I need to closely examine what re-joining the work force would mean, and, depending, on the consequences, decide if I even should continue in the hunt for a job.
While this job hunt is going on, I had a friend remind me yesterday that I need to not let my focus shift from recovery because if and when I do re-join the work force, life is going to come at me fast and hard, and that without recovery, I won't be able to handle any of it because I'm still too new (again).  And I realized she had a point, because without my recovery, I'm a nutcase and I don't process/cope with life on life's terms very well and end up reacting and behaving in ways that are very unbecoming of someone who is trying to better themselves or trying to re-establish a, relatively, normal, productive life and has a job just like everybody else.  So after my interview this morning< I'm going to make my way to the 3M Club for a meeting at 2:30 and make sure I continue to make it to at least one meeting a day, regardless of whatever else is going on (which is what my sponsor had previously instructed me to do for the next 30 days anyway).
That whole concept does have me somewhat concerned as I hadn't given it much, or enough, thought as to how I would go about working full time AND managing to maintain a steady program of recovery.  If, for example, I were to receive an offer for the job I'm interviewing for today, I would be working Monday through Friday 8:30am to 5:30pm, then would need to find time for a meeting sometime after work.  That is a LONG day.  Am I ready/prepared to do that?  I don't know.  How badly do I want this? (both recovery and the job).  Because without my recovery and a program, everything else is in jeopardy and will go away, but not having a job and something to do with all my time and energy is driving me crazy and affecting my self-esteem because I've lately realized that I'm plagued by feelings of lacking any sense of direction or purpose; that I'm just kind of drifting through the currents of life as they come, not really going any which way or the other, and that I'm just kind of stagnating.  I don't know...these are all the questions and things to think about that came to surface yesterday as my mom and I talked, so I need to really do some digging for some answers about the repercussions of becoming somebody's employee again; answers to what affect it will have on my current status within the realm of disability and medical coverage, and what effect having a job will have on my recovery and if I'm prepared to still apply myself 100% to recovery if I WERE to, somehow, manage to get hired by somebody.
And on one final note:  of all fucking days for this to happen, of all goddamn times, TODAY has to be the day where I woke up and I couldn't open my right eye, because it was sealed shut with gunk, because I have motherfucking PINK EYE.  And I have that interview today, and another one tomorrow.  Awesome first impression right?