Semi-Productive

So yesterday wasn't a total waste like Wednesday was (which, in case you haven't read my past few entries, Wednesday was spent sleeping, eating, followed by more sleeping and eating).  After my 10:30 meeting at Solutions I went over to a friend's place where we got to talking and ended up hanging out for the rest of the afternoon.  We split off after a while though because I wanted to go clean up my apartment a bit and clean myself up as well...aka...MANGROOMING.  My beard was in desperate need of a trim and I needed to re-shave my head badly (you could tell the chrome dome look was starting to fill in).  Once all that was tended to and all target hairs had been trimmed, clipped, buzzed, and pruned and I was feeling super fresh, I went back over to my friend's place and we hung out for the rest of the afternoon/evening.  I didn't necessarily move mountains or achieve world peace, but I did some self-care stuff by all the trimming and I got my ass off the couch and back out into the world by going to socialize instead of isolating in my apartment all day and sleeping the afternoon away and wasting yet another day.  And I've come to realize that I hate that feeling.  It may feel good in the middle of it when I'm nice and comfortable on the couch or in my bed, but afterwards, when I look at the time and realize I just spent X hours sleeping and accomplishing nothing with my day:  that's the feeling I hate.  So I'm trying to continue the trend today.  I'm going to stay open-minded for anything that comes up that strikes me as interesting that I can delve into and put some time of my day into, but I'm also sort of mentally re-committing myself to being in recovery.
For the past week I've just been kind of going through the motions on total auto-pilot:  going to a meeting, reading an opening reading if assigned, sitting quietly for an hour, listening to others share, and not opening my own mouth at all (partly because I feel like I have nothing valuable to share.  People are coming to these meetings to learn how to get and stay clean, and I have displayed that I have difficulty in that area, so I've been choosing to just shut up and not talk since I have nothing of value to say).  As a result, I've kinda just been drifting through my recovery this past week and drifting through the meetings, not really letting any message stick to me or really letting anything sink in and internalize anything.  I've just kinda felt like a prop dummy there in the chair for an hour and then I promptly get up and leave as soon as it's over.  And I know recovery doesn't work and the program doesn't produce results unless you work at it and work for it and put work into it, so this drifting and gliding through on auto-pilot bullshit with nothing really touching me or reaching my heart and mind has gotta stop, like TODAY.  I may not necessarily share today and spill my guts out onto the floor and vomit all over the meeting and share a big mess, but I am consciously making the mental shift to being more open-minded, willing, and active in my recovery.  Because I feel like right now I'm in the danger zone of the 2 biggest dangers that the Basic Text says that there are to addicts:  apathy and procrastination.  I'm not necessarily procrastinating on any particular thing because all step work has been put on hold per instructions from my sponsor until I get another 30 days under my belt, but the apathy part I can definitely relate to because all week I've just kinda been drifting in and out of the meetings with an attitude like "meh."  And a "meh" attitude isn't going to keep me clean.  It may not necessarily for sure get my loaded, but it most certainly will not be enough to keep me clean.  So time to wake the fuck up, jump back in, and participate.  This side line spectator bullshit ends today.