Status Update

So I'm moving.  The financial opportunity that presented itself in moving into this new home couldn't be ignored when compared to what my expenses are presently at this apartment.  I know, logically, that it's the right thing to do and that it'll really give me a chance to replenish my savings.  Emotionally, however, I am kicking and screaming the whole way because I do NOT want to leave this apartment.  I love everything about it and it's become my home base, my safety zone, and I'm having trouble letting it go.  So I've been begrudgingly packing up boxes slowly all week.  I need to get my ass in gear though because we've got a target move date and that's March 31.  So that's only a few days away.  I have everything in the apartment packed for the most part.  All that's left is the bathroom, the kitchen, and my room, all three of which I'm saving for last since I use those 3 rooms the most and need them fully functioning.  I've also spent the last few days setting up service installation dates for utilities I'll be needing (internet, TV, etc).  It's felt good to have tasks to complete and responsibilities I needed to get done because it combated my feelings of uselessness and lacking of any sense of purpose or direction which I've expressed in a previous blog entry.  Those feelings, by the way, have not abated and have, if anything, only started to affect me more as I've been neglecting or not doing things for self-care that I enjoy doing (reading, playing video games, drawing, etc), and have got me stuck in a familiar, comfortable state of misery that I'm so used to that I'm not taking action to change anything or how I'm feeling.  Like I'm stuck, but I haven't done anything to get UNSTUCK because the misery and loneliness and uselessness and negativity is something I'm so used to and familiar with that I'm choosing to stay in it, rather than reach out and take action to change it.  Like my meeting attendance.  I haven't been to a meeting in OVER A WEEK.  That is just not acceptable.  Every night this week when there was a meeting I knew I could easily reach via bus, I concocted some excuse or rationalization of why I didn't need to/want to go.  If it weren't for checking in with my sponsor and talking to some other program friends, I would've gone absolutely insane by now, fallen victim to my own crazy thinking and unreasonable, negative, hateful, intolerant, judgmental self-talk.  In an attempt to look at something positive out of all this, I can at least have gratitude and appreciation that I have the self-awareness and insight to recognize all this that's going on with me and in my head, because once you identify the problem, it's easier to start shifting toward solutions and saying "okay, we know what's wrong, now what can we do to fix it?"  I just need to make it through yet another day (hour by hour, minute by minute if necessary) until later tonight when I get to go to my home group meeting at 6, which, I can barely contain myself and my excitement of getting to go to a meeting.  I just need to remember that I have a disease that LIES to me, and that my self-talk is not based in reality, as it is venomous and hateful and intolerant and self-defeating.  I need to shift my perspective on things and get into a solution-oriented mindset, because sitting in all this misery and negativity may be familiar and comfortable, but it's killing me slowly from the inside out.