Fucking Crazy

Well, the title of this post says it all.  This week I have been absolutely fucking crazy and have acted out in nearly every character defect and every vice possible all in an attempt to mask what I have been feeling and how I'm coping (or not) with current events and conditions in my life.  And then even with help available to me (my sponsor, my friends, my mom), I still choose so sit in my misery and try to numb myself or just keep myself distracted so I don't have to think about the things that are eating away at me.  Last night things came to a bursting point and I found myself mutilating myself and poking myself with push pins in an attempt to get some release and also punish myself for everything that I feel that I'm not being/doing and that I'm lacking.  Why push pins?  Because I didn't have anything sharp in the apartment to cut with.  THAT'S how fucking sick my disease is and how it manifested yesterday.  When I take stock of everything that's going on right now, everything seems okay:  I'm not facing homelessness, dereliction, destitution, or financial hardships.  I have a sponsor, I have friends I can call, I have a mom who is amazingly supportive and loves me and is standing behind me 100% in my efforts to achieve a happy life.  But underneath it all, there's some insidious, murky issues and thoughts and circumstances that are eating away at me and that I have been totally avoiding the process of really getting to the bottom of, talking them out and working through them, and processing them so that I can move forward.  And if I continue to keep all this in and not utilize the tools that I do have at my disposal, it is going to fucking kill me.  Whether from a drug overdose, a cut with a razor that went just a bit too deep, or a prescription pill overdose, either way, the level of insanity that I've reached this week has gotten out of control, and I didn't get into recovery to be this miserable, this crazy, this lonely, or have this chaos going on in my head.  I get the fact that life has its ups and downs and that we must deal with them accordingly.  That's life on life's terms.  I get it.  But when you're subconsciously creating and perpetuating unmanageability and chaos and isolation and loneliness and despair, you need to take a step back, gain some perspective, and realize that YOU are the problem and YOU have to fix yourself, because no amount of fast food, gambling, sex, drugs, or cutting, or prescription pills can fill the void you've created within yourself.  And right now, that void in me is fucking gigantic and is like a black hole, sucking up all positive energy and love and light and everything good and is swallowing them leaving me feeling destitute, lonely, bored, unmotivated, without a sense of purpose, and miserable.  And I have no one to blame but myself.