Scheduling Conflicts

after yesterday, I've got so much on my plate/in front of me/on my mind that it's seemingly impossible to even start to process in a "one thing at a time" or "one day at a time" frame of mind.  i have no idea how this is going to play out over the next few weeks/months (hopefully years) but....whether I like it or not, I'm being reminded that life doesn't happen on my schedule, it happens on it's own schedule.  And right now, its scheduled itself to be HERE.  NOW. in front of me.  and I have to figure out how I can push through, because I have never been as overwhelmed and terrified and hopeless as I am and have been.

And I know that thoughts of regret get you no where...you should only look forward to the future on how to write a different story from the one you're used to writing, and and to learn from the mistakes you've made.

But as the bad news continues to be handed to me, I am filled with nothing but remorse and regret  as to how I've abused myself over the years through my behavior, and how I have mistreated my friends or taken them for granted, and how I've definitely taken my family for granted when at the end of the day, that crazy bitch is still in my corner....and, how how I was given something absolutely amazing.  and he was mine.  like......i had IT.  and I was his...and I completely took that for granted, squandered it, and trashed a priceless treasure that I had in my possession all along.


And I really hope my friends know how much I love them, and even if they do or don't, there'll be lots more us time, with me making sure you  know how grateful I am for you guys
And I know my family knows I love them....I just need to not lash out at mom so much.

And as for him:  I had him, and I lost him, and I'm so deeply sorry that I pushed you away and that I caused all the harm that I did and how much time was and has been wasted which all would've turned out differently if I had pulled my head out of my ass, seen what was right in front of me all along, and had some real appreciation and gratitude  for the fact that someone gave me their heart, and I was too busy counting down my self-destruct timer that...well....we know what the end result has been.

I haven't posted on here in a long time, so I'm not sure if any one still checks back here,
but if you guys do I want you all to be aware of how grateful I am for each of you and that I could've never made it as far as I have without you guys.

And to you:  I love you, bottom line. always will, and I know I have to forgive myself, but I will never forget what I had and threw away.  Regardless of what I want, having you stick by me ad the fact that you seem to care still as much as I'm gathering means the world to me and I am grateful and appreciative of you every single day. 

...I think that's enough for now.