onward!

while the actual day of halloween has been an ever-growing source of anxiety and sadness for me, the day has arrived. and i think i'm ok.

this holiday last year i was with him.  and as all of you may know, many things have changed.

however, instead of abiding by my original plan of locking myself in my room until today was over and basking in my depression/loss/guilt/shame/self-hatred, a very interesting thing has happened:

i can't put myself in that mindset. 

this week has been a definite eye opener in the sense that, previously, i was somewhat oblivious to the sheer extent and quantity of energy and thought that ended up being focused and directed at basking in those feelings of guilt and shame and self-hatred of what i'd done and my actions.  but after spending the entire week in a state of perpetually shifting anger/resentment/sadness/shame...i realized that i cannot do that to myself.

so, somehow, without even having to make the conscious effort, today is not as emotionally catastrophic as i thought it was going to be:  instead of turning 110% of myself/my energy/my thoughts/my focus onto all the horrible things i've done and keeping myself stuck in the immediate aftermath and emotional blast radius of the bomb that went off that wrecked the sad semblance of a life that i thought i was maintaining, i am and have come to realize that its all effort so much better spent on pulling my feet out of the muck of self-pity/shit and starting to walk forward. 

with the effort and focus towards what i want to do with myself NOW, things seem to go from bad, to bearable, to OK.  and for right now:  i'm ok.  i miss you every day, and i know i messed up, but i am ok...because i'm putting one size 9 1/2 converse in front of the other and i'm slowly walking down that path, which, hopefully has you somewhere on it down the road.

also, on another interesting development:  my father and i spoke for the first time on the phone in over 13 years on friday.  it was awkward at first, to say the least, and we didn't have a lot of time to catch up, but i filled him in on a few details regarding the happenings of the last few months, and he said something to me that has been resonating in my brain for the last 48 hours.  i told him, briefly, about what I had done to myself, my life, my addiction, the eruption that almost killed me and caused unfathomable hurt to everyone around me, and i told him that I had started/am currently involved in the recovery process....and here's what he said:

Dad:  do you remember when you were little one time when you asked 'dad, do you really think i can punch through that piece of wood?
Me:  yeah, it was for tae-kwon-do classes and it was part of the test i had to complete to progress to the next belt color
Dad:  yes.  and you weren't sure you could do it.  and i told you 'son, i KNOW you can do this.'  and you went up, and you did it and put your fist right through that piece of wood and snapped it in half.......the same applies to what you're going through right now.  you may not think you can, but there is a fighter in you, i've known him since he was 1 day old.  and i KNOW you can do this.

i don't know what it was about that statement...maybe because it actually came from him?  whatever it is, but i feel like i just got a 1000% boost to my confidence and belief in myself that this whole impasse i'm at will just be another block of wood that i will snap in half, just like i did back then. 

whether i believe that i can or not, i'm going to.  FOR ME.

...and for you too.  happy halloween, please be safe

-me-