day: 35. and that feels really good. hard to pinpoint specific things that i miss...or that, in hindsight, were worth any of it.
Chari tells me i'm not as "scattered" that i seem better.
it's strange. i don't see it? maybe i am.
it doesn't feel like it. especially considering the fact that i've set upon myself every night for the past week.
i deserve every mark for what i did to him.
i've been having really fucked up panic attacks too. like ones that cause me to practically run out of wal-mart tonight. i'm not particularly sure what set it off. i tried to identify it in my ever-happening attempt at increasing my self-awareness (especially of the things that i was oblivious of for the past few years), but i can't place it sometimes. this overwhelming panic of...i guess everyone around me (in whatever immediate physical setting i'm in) suddenly recognizing me as this giant failure/joke. like "oh you!? omg everyone look!"
completely and totally unrealistic i know, but the feeling is still there.
on that note, i do believe it's time to clean myself up and go to bed.
goodnight.
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