deadly

You'd think that the things that I'd need to stay away from for my own well being right now would be obvious.  However, certain nights -- tonight in particular -- always catch me off guard. 

Where the music to distract me isn't enough.
The book I'm reading isn't enough.
The books I've gotten from reading aren't enough.
Family Guy isn't enough
Chelsea isn't enough. 
Video games aren't enough.

None of if is enough to shut it off.  The constant replay of what's happened and the end of the world proportion of guilt and self-hatred and shame that slams into me with the force of a super nova.

So then all of the above is shut off.  And then there's just quiet.  Just me by myself and the silence.  And night's like tonight I've become painfully aware the silence has the potential to be more dangerous than anything that's happened in the last 3 months.

So here I am.  Just me.  and it's quiet.  and i feel like everyone is gone.  and i have none of the friends i thought i did, or would.  and i still miss him more than anything any one could possibly imagine. 

and the silence is still here and i fucking hate it.  and i fucking hate all of this and want to fast forward 6 months to a place where maybe i have some semblance of a respectable and reputable life again and i don't feel afraid of seeing anyone i know where i want to run and hide because i'm so ashamed to show my face anywhere in public. 

and it's still fucking silent.