regularity

with the chaos that has erupted in my life over the past 2 weeks (as well as that which has, inadvertently, spread and damaged other people's lives too) you would think that i would need to allocated and lock down on some sort of element of stability/calm/order/positivity that i can incorporate into my life.

today i realized that there has been an element of stability/regularity that has surfaced ... but, unfortunately, it isn't anything that i think is necessarily a good thing:  i feel that i've become so withdrawn, introverted, and bound to this well of despair and depression that any sort of activity that involves prolonged exposure to anything social has me completely retreating into myself in pure anxiety and fear.  perfect example:  the only thing i absolutely have my heart set on doing right now is going to see Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, because i get to sit in the dark and watch (what looks like) an absolutely incredible movie and i am not forced to interact with ANYONE or ANYTHING outside of my bag of gummie bears and my jumbosuperhuge Dr. Pepper. 
every activity involving friends, my mom, or people that i have been invited to or asked about for the past week i have immediately either purposely ignored or immediately shied away from like it was a dirty heroin needle fresh off an Intervention episode.

and i am in no rush to leave my room or talk to anyone.  this rain cloud might be staying a while. 

esp that i just got my trazodone rx refilled..................with ELEVEN refills backing it.  goodnight