are you reading this?

yes.  YOU.  i don't know if you are actively checking back on here and reading whats going on.  or if you havent taken one look at it since the link was originally sent to you by email and you could careless.  i, kind of hope that you are/have been reading it.......but if you haven't that doesn't matter.  i have to get this out or i will, literally, and all joking aside, go insane and completely snap tonight/this morning, before "Thursday" has officially even begun.  so here YOU go.  yes.  YOU

i  miss you.  every night for the past 2 weeks ive been crying in bed before falling asleep.  every single day i have to find something to occupy myself so that my thoughts don't drift to you, but they still do...and if i let myself linger there in memories of your smile and your skin and your warmth and now your absence, i crack, and shudder, and i slowly start to fall apart.  i told myself i needed to do this for you and stop being a selfish pig for once,  i felt that if it was better for you and make things easier for you, then i would disappear. and thus i have......but the effect its having on me is no better.  i havent heard your voice in a week, and i am literally starting to loathe every single day and everything and everyone in it.  i feel like this is whats right for right now so you can concentrate on important things (i.e. not me), but i am officially having real and true withdrawals from no contact with you and its making this so much harder.

then today, something as mundane and minuscule and silly and small as chapstick....YOUR chapstick.  i found it in my truck today.  and i was completely shattered and fell apart on the spot.  my whole day/night was ruined.
it was a blatant reminder that you were everywhere.  you were my life, and i destroyed it and now you are gone and i have nothing.

something just cmae over me just now, and i completely went into a sobbing rage, punched a wall and tore holes right through my comforter before i realized what i was doing and had to calm down.  it was pure rage.  rage at myself because there's this nagging bitch of a whisper in the back of my mind who was quiet at first, but now is louder and is a staple in all my thoughts:  you had your shot, you fucked up worse than you have ever in your entire life, and now hes gone.  and he will never trust you again, and he will never love you again.  and he is so much better than you and the fact you even had him for as long as you did should be comfort enough.  give up now he will never forgive you and never trust you because you are WORTHLESS

 i don't know if i can do this without you.  do you hear me?  
not after the happiness and pure contentment i felt with you by my side. 

i doubt you even read this ... you have so many more important things going on and i know you're still in cali....i dont want to ruin anything else in your life more than i already have....so, here i am telling what i want to tell you to my blog.  oh how the mighty fall.

i miss not cursing god for me waking up again and having to face another day without you.  i miss ....fuck everything else to hell i miss YOU.

please be smiling.  please be happy and having fun wherever you are doing whatever your doing.

i love you.

see ya 'round cowboy.

:(