A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abuse behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them too. Not us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves.
Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
Perfection - May 11
Many of us picked on ourselves unmercifully before recovery. We may also have a tendency to pick on ourselves after we begin recovery.
"If I was really recovering, I wouldn't be doing that again..." "I should be further along than I am." These are statements that indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit.
Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly have done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love.
Even if we slip back to our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency.
Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be in our recovery.
Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I'm going tomorrow.
"If I was really recovering, I wouldn't be doing that again..." "I should be further along than I am." These are statements that indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit.
Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly have done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love.
Even if we slip back to our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency.
Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be in our recovery.
Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I'm going tomorrow.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Giving Ourselves What We Deserve - May 8
I worked at a good job, making a decent salary. I had been recovering for years. Each morning, I got into my car and I thanked God for the car. The heater didn't work. And the chance of the car not starting was almost as great as the chance that it would. I just kept suffering through, and thanking God. One day, it occurred to me that there was absolutely no good reason I couldn't buy myself a new car -- that moment -- if I wanted one. I had been gratitude-ing myself into unnecessary deprivation and martyrdom. I bought the new car -- that day.
-Anonymous
Often, our instinctive reaction to something we want or need is, "No! I can't afford it!"
The question we can learn to ask ourselves is, "But, can I?"
Many of us have learned to habitually deprive ourselves of anything we might want, and often things we need.
Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep ourselves unnecessarily deprived.
Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is believing we deserve the best and making an effort to stop depriving ourselves and start treating ourselves well.
There is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when we can afford to do that. Learn to trust and listen to yourself about what you want. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat, buying yourself something new.
There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are many times when we can.
Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. If there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won't.
-Anonymous
Often, our instinctive reaction to something we want or need is, "No! I can't afford it!"
The question we can learn to ask ourselves is, "But, can I?"
Many of us have learned to habitually deprive ourselves of anything we might want, and often things we need.
Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep ourselves unnecessarily deprived.
Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is believing we deserve the best and making an effort to stop depriving ourselves and start treating ourselves well.
There is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when we can afford to do that. Learn to trust and listen to yourself about what you want. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat, buying yourself something new.
There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are many times when we can.
Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. If there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won't.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Perfectionism - April 14
Recovery from codependency is an individual process that necessitates making mistakes, struggling through problems, and facing tough issues.
Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows this process; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state. Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.
People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they're doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows this process; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state. Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.
People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they're doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we'll discover the beauty in ourselves.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Those Old-Time Feelings
Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as "soul-sickness."
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn't mean we're back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean we're in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn't mean we're back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean we're in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Monday, April 6, 2015
My New Home Base
Well, I got through the move. Physically that is. The day of the move and as it was actually happening, I wasn't present mentally or emotionally at ALL and was totally stuck in a cesspool of self-pity, depression, negativity, closed-mindedness, stubbornness, complacency, and total lack of acceptance and wanting to stay stuck in the problem rather than contribute to being part of the solution. I did NOT want to move out of the apartment I was at and was NOT happy about having to move to the place I'm in now. And then following the move, once everything had been unloaded and brought into the new apartment and it was time for me to start putting things away and unpacking and creating my new home and getting comfortable, I took the completely opposite route and stayed in that shitty frame of mind and negativity which launched into a week long depression. And this was an UGLY all-consuming depression that trickled down into every facet of my life. I started neglecting personal hygiene and self-care (I desperately need to trim my beard and re-shave my head), I was mistrustful and resentful and hateful and racist towards my neighbors who I hadn't even made an effort to meet or say hi to, I was sleeping entire days away because sleep was my only escape I had at my disposal to escape from the negativity and anxiety and unhappiness and discontent I was feeling. And escapism isn't a solution, it's simply delaying processing and facing a problem. Things finally came to a head on Friday when my mom came over and, in a nutshell, called me on my bullshit and brought to my attention what my demeanor and outlook and attitude looked like in REALITY from another's perspective. She didn't pull any punches and after processing what she said for another day or so, come Saturday, I made a conscious decision to completely shift my outlook and perspective and get into some gratitude for my present circumstances and blessings that I have been given, instead of bitching and being depressed about things that had their place in my life but have moved on as all things and seasons in our life do. I realized what I was lacking (one of many things) was some serious ACCEPTANCE with reality and the way things have turned out as far as my living situation. I also needed to inject a huge dose of gratitude into my mindset for my present circumstances and for this new apartment. I also needed to acknowledge some unsavory behavior in how I had been treating my mom and had to issue some acknowledgments and apologies to her to clean up my sign of the street because, in a nut-shell, I was being a fucking dick.
So here we are, on a Monday, first day of the start of a new week and I've made the decision in my mind to follow through with staying in gratitude, appreciation, acceptance, and open-mindedness, and with slowly but surely unpacking and establishing this as my new HOME, not just some new apartment. I've also, as a result of my depression I was stuck in, moved away from some recovery behaviors and actions that I know I need to do on a daily basis to keep me grounded and in a solution-oriented mindset. I stopped calling my sponsor and didn't talk to him for almost a week, I stopped texting and calling my friends in recovery that make up my support group, I stopped doing my morning readings, and I didn't even go to my Home Group meeting Friday night at 6 because I couldn't get it together enough to leave the apartment.
So, in summary, a serious overhaul was needed of my outlook and my attitude and my behavior and I'm committed to starting this new week off on a good note by evolving this new apartment into my new home and creating my mancave, bachelor pad, fortress of solitude, home base, headquarters, safety zone, whatever you want to call it. But yeah. Congratulations to me on a new home!
Stay tuned.
So here we are, on a Monday, first day of the start of a new week and I've made the decision in my mind to follow through with staying in gratitude, appreciation, acceptance, and open-mindedness, and with slowly but surely unpacking and establishing this as my new HOME, not just some new apartment. I've also, as a result of my depression I was stuck in, moved away from some recovery behaviors and actions that I know I need to do on a daily basis to keep me grounded and in a solution-oriented mindset. I stopped calling my sponsor and didn't talk to him for almost a week, I stopped texting and calling my friends in recovery that make up my support group, I stopped doing my morning readings, and I didn't even go to my Home Group meeting Friday night at 6 because I couldn't get it together enough to leave the apartment.
So, in summary, a serious overhaul was needed of my outlook and my attitude and my behavior and I'm committed to starting this new week off on a good note by evolving this new apartment into my new home and creating my mancave, bachelor pad, fortress of solitude, home base, headquarters, safety zone, whatever you want to call it. But yeah. Congratulations to me on a new home!
Stay tuned.
Monday, March 30, 2015
The Move, My Head, and Everything Else
Ok, the move is tomorrow. Physically, I'm ready; boxes and packing wise, I'm pretty much ready. All bases have been covered, movers/truck acquired, service installation dates scheduled, belongings have been boxed up.
MENTALLY, however, I'm nowhere NEAR ready. I'm a mess, I feel completely overwhelmed and I feel like if I were a cat, I'd have my claws clinging to this apartment so hard I'd be drawing blood. I spent the afternoon with my mom yesterday and had some really deep, in depth, hardcore talking about where I'm at and what's going on and it felt good to hear her tell me that moving just sucks. That I'm not unique in being overwhelmed, that it's a stressful situation for anybody and that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. That was incredibly validating because all week I've felt like there was something uniquely wrong with me, that I wasn't handling it or coping with this the "right" way. Which, when you look at my behaviors last week, I truly wasn't coping with anything, I was acting out in every way I could in an attempt to mask, hide, and cover up what I was really feeling. But the self-destructive behavior approach only works for so long before you start to cause enough damage to your life and yourself and your mental state where you have to blow the whistle on yourself and finally look at yourself and do an honest self-appraisal and then, God forbid since as addicts we want to do everything by ourselves, actually reach out for help. So that's what I've been doing this afternoon so far since I woke up. I've created an insular tiny protective small bubble of people I talk to and that has only hurt me because I used to have a wide list of people I'd check in with every day as a support network. It kept me talking, kept me connected, and helped me get outside my own head when talking to somebody and asking them how THEIR day was going instead of obsessing over whatever the fuck was wrong with me at that moment. I also have not been utilizing my sponsor in a way one should and I've been short-changing myself and our relationship all week by saying I'm fine, I'm great, everything's great! When in reality, I was a fucking mess all week, leading up to Saturday's self-mutilation stunt. Why the fuck would I have a sponsor if I'm not going to bare myself and my head and thoughts to him and be totally transparent? I can fake it and mask and hide to everybody else in my life if I want, but I feel that one should have at least ONE person in their life that they can become totally transparent too, be 100% honest with and present yourself just as you are to this person so that you not only can build a relationship with trust as a foundation, but so that you can open yourself up to solutions and wisdom and guidance from the other person, instead of relying on your own fucked up thinking to get out of the fucked up thinking that your own fucked up head thought things up in the first place. Did any of that make sense? I don't care it made sense to me. All I know is there are tools and people and principles available to me to apply to my life right now, especially when I'm gasping for air, and it's my responsibility to apply all those, because I have a choice if I want to face life on life's terms and cope in as healthy a way possible, or if I want to continue to pretend like everything's fine and I'm great but on the inside continue to drive myself further and further into being fucking insane. Because if I continue to pretend like I'm fine and great and everything's great and continue to mask what's really going on, it comes out in other ways; self-destructive ways, that can (and probably will) lead up to some stupid stunt that lands me back in Rawson Neal Psychiatric Hospital. I've already been there twice, and two times was enough thank you very fucking much.
MENTALLY, however, I'm nowhere NEAR ready. I'm a mess, I feel completely overwhelmed and I feel like if I were a cat, I'd have my claws clinging to this apartment so hard I'd be drawing blood. I spent the afternoon with my mom yesterday and had some really deep, in depth, hardcore talking about where I'm at and what's going on and it felt good to hear her tell me that moving just sucks. That I'm not unique in being overwhelmed, that it's a stressful situation for anybody and that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. That was incredibly validating because all week I've felt like there was something uniquely wrong with me, that I wasn't handling it or coping with this the "right" way. Which, when you look at my behaviors last week, I truly wasn't coping with anything, I was acting out in every way I could in an attempt to mask, hide, and cover up what I was really feeling. But the self-destructive behavior approach only works for so long before you start to cause enough damage to your life and yourself and your mental state where you have to blow the whistle on yourself and finally look at yourself and do an honest self-appraisal and then, God forbid since as addicts we want to do everything by ourselves, actually reach out for help. So that's what I've been doing this afternoon so far since I woke up. I've created an insular tiny protective small bubble of people I talk to and that has only hurt me because I used to have a wide list of people I'd check in with every day as a support network. It kept me talking, kept me connected, and helped me get outside my own head when talking to somebody and asking them how THEIR day was going instead of obsessing over whatever the fuck was wrong with me at that moment. I also have not been utilizing my sponsor in a way one should and I've been short-changing myself and our relationship all week by saying I'm fine, I'm great, everything's great! When in reality, I was a fucking mess all week, leading up to Saturday's self-mutilation stunt. Why the fuck would I have a sponsor if I'm not going to bare myself and my head and thoughts to him and be totally transparent? I can fake it and mask and hide to everybody else in my life if I want, but I feel that one should have at least ONE person in their life that they can become totally transparent too, be 100% honest with and present yourself just as you are to this person so that you not only can build a relationship with trust as a foundation, but so that you can open yourself up to solutions and wisdom and guidance from the other person, instead of relying on your own fucked up thinking to get out of the fucked up thinking that your own fucked up head thought things up in the first place. Did any of that make sense? I don't care it made sense to me. All I know is there are tools and people and principles available to me to apply to my life right now, especially when I'm gasping for air, and it's my responsibility to apply all those, because I have a choice if I want to face life on life's terms and cope in as healthy a way possible, or if I want to continue to pretend like everything's fine and I'm great but on the inside continue to drive myself further and further into being fucking insane. Because if I continue to pretend like I'm fine and great and everything's great and continue to mask what's really going on, it comes out in other ways; self-destructive ways, that can (and probably will) lead up to some stupid stunt that lands me back in Rawson Neal Psychiatric Hospital. I've already been there twice, and two times was enough thank you very fucking much.
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