So yesterday I moved into a new sober living house called Serenity House. After spending the last 2 weeks sleeping on my mom's couch, sleeping in my own bed last night (a queen size btw) was a welcome change. Don't get me wrong, staying at mom's house was great, but it's nice to have my own room again.
I'm dealing with some conflicting emotions, however. As nice as it is to have my own space, my own room (with a TV), and not be sleeping on a couch, I was surprised yesterday at the overwhelming anxiety I felt as I was moving everything in. Pure anxiety, sheer terror, and fear at the thought of a new environment with a brand new set of rules I need to adhere to along with a house full of other guys that I'm still trying to remember the names of as I meet each one (which, btw, I haven't remembered a single one yet). I was so nervous and so wound up yesterday that I threw up a couple times. Yes, that's right, I got so nervous that I actually threw up. And that has happened only one other time in my entire life. I know I don't have anything to be afraid of in reality, but I'm feeling completely nerve-wracked over doing something wrong, fucking up, not following the rules and doing something wrong, and afraid of the other roommates. Basically social anxiety times a million.
I do have a couple exciting things that I have to be grateful for though. 1-new iPhone! After years of defending my Blackberry against all you Blackberry haters, on Sunday my mom bought me a new iPhone 5c and got me a new phone number, which, on top of the added luxury of the new piece of technology, will also serve as a clean slate phone number wise. I've already transfered all of my contacts I wanted to transfer and left out the ones that I don't want to have my number. Definitely an instance of changing "people, places, and things." And 2-I got new contacts!!! (FINALLY). I've been wearing my glasses 24/7 since December when my last set of contacts (that were 2 years old) had to go after giving me an eye infection. Thanks to my Ryan White Part C & new Medicaid coverage, my eye exam today along with the order of contacts was covered 100% and I was happily able to take off my glasses and put in a fresh pair of contacts.
Yesterday, my mom suggested I do a gratitude list to try and ease my anxieties I was feeling. I did one, but it didn't help. I don't know why the new living situation has me so wound up. I guess I was comfortable at the Rehmar House because it was an extension of LVRC and I felt comfortable there, knowing the familiar faces both on and behind the scenes, as well as feeling at home with the location being on the Northwest side of town, up the street from mom's house. The location of Serenity House is off of Sahara & Decatur. I've never lived in this area before and while it is central to just about everything I need and everywhere I need access to, I still feel like a stranger and am scared to leave my room. Looks like I'll be doubling up my clonopin doses until I can calm the fuck down.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Letting Go of Worry
What if we knew for certain that everything we're worried about today will work out fine?
What if...we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem, and its solution?
What if...we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if...we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if...we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if...we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life.
What if...we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem, and its solution?
What if...we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if...we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if...we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if...we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
"Freedom" via "11 Minutes"
From Maria's diary, on a day when [she couldn't work]:
If I were to tell someone about my life today, I could
do it in a way that would make them think me a
brave, happy, independent woman. Rubbish: I am not
even allowed to mention the only word that is more
important than the eleven minutes -- love.
All my life, I thought love as some kind of
voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only
exists when love is present. The person who gives him
or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the
person who loves most wholeheartedly.
And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.
That is why, regardless of what I might experience,
do or learn, nothing makes sense. I hope this time passes
quickly, so that I can resume my search for myself -- in
the form of a man who understands me and does not
make me suffer.
But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm
anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own
feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we
feel.
It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in
love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one
loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.
That is the true experience of freedom: having the
most important thing in the world without owning it.
If I were to tell someone about my life today, I could
do it in a way that would make them think me a
brave, happy, independent woman. Rubbish: I am not
even allowed to mention the only word that is more
important than the eleven minutes -- love.
All my life, I thought love as some kind of
voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only
exists when love is present. The person who gives him
or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the
person who loves most wholeheartedly.
And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.
That is why, regardless of what I might experience,
do or learn, nothing makes sense. I hope this time passes
quickly, so that I can resume my search for myself -- in
the form of a man who understands me and does not
make me suffer.
But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm
anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own
feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we
feel.
It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in
love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one
loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.
That is the true experience of freedom: having the
most important thing in the world without owning it.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Clarity
When we were in the midst of an experience, it is easy to forget that there is a Plan. Sometimes, all we can see is today.
If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a television program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focused on only a small piece of work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life -- especially when we are going through a difficult time.
We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times. When we are being pelleted by events that make us feel, think, and question, we are in the midst of learning something important.
We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us -- even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.
Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong. Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of learning to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow more strong.
Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. The Universe, my Higher Power, and life are not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking.
If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a television program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focused on only a small piece of work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life -- especially when we are going through a difficult time.
We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times. When we are being pelleted by events that make us feel, think, and question, we are in the midst of learning something important.
We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us -- even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.
Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong. Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of learning to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow more strong.
Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. The Universe, my Higher Power, and life are not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Nostalgia
"In my life I have found nostalgia to be a very dangerous thing. Unlike hindsight, which shows you your folly in a painful, morning-after clarity, nostalgia is a pretty store window into the past, smeared with Vaseline, all dreamy-looking. If hindsight is 20/20, then nostalgia is a look back through rose-colored glasses. Rose colored glasses that filter out all those pesky rays of truth, showing you happy times, usually much happier than they actually were, that are gone forever. Sure, you'll be happy again in the future; you may even be happy in the present, but nostalgia takes you by the hand, leads you into the past, and shows you a happiness you'll never quite have again -- because you never really had it in the first place. To most people nostalgia is sweet. To me it is bitter and masochistic, but most of all, completely useless."
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Being is Enough
We are not always clear about what we are experiencing or why.
In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing, or discipline -- it's difficult to have perspective.
That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what's going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.
If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose shall reveal itself -- in time, in its own time.
It will all make perfect sense -- later.
Today, I will stop straining to know what I don't know, to see what I can't see, to understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.
In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing, or discipline -- it's difficult to have perspective.
That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what's going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.
If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose shall reveal itself -- in time, in its own time.
It will all make perfect sense -- later.
Today, I will stop straining to know what I don't know, to see what I can't see, to understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Oops!
Mistakes! We all know how it feels to make them. Many of us feel that our entire lives have been a mistake. We often regard our mistakes with shame or guilt -- at the very least, with frustration and impatience. We tend to see mistakes as evidence that we are still sick, crazy, stupid, or too damaged to recover.
In truth, mistakes are a very vital and important part of being human. For particularly stubborn people (such as ourselves) mistakes are often our best teachers. There is no shame in making mistakes. In fact, making new mistakes often shows our willingness to take risks and grow.
It's helpful, though, if we learn from our mistakes; repeating the same ones may be a sign that we're stuck. And expecting different results from the same old mistakes -- well, that's what we call "insanity." It just doesn't work.
Just For Today: Mistakes aren't tragedies. But please, help me learn from them.
In truth, mistakes are a very vital and important part of being human. For particularly stubborn people (such as ourselves) mistakes are often our best teachers. There is no shame in making mistakes. In fact, making new mistakes often shows our willingness to take risks and grow.
It's helpful, though, if we learn from our mistakes; repeating the same ones may be a sign that we're stuck. And expecting different results from the same old mistakes -- well, that's what we call "insanity." It just doesn't work.
Just For Today: Mistakes aren't tragedies. But please, help me learn from them.
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