Meditation: ACHIEVED

So after years and years of people suggesting I try meditating or asking if I meditate, and telling me how much it puts you in contact with your Higher Power and how great it is for your soul and spirit and how calming it is and blah blah blah, I'd fucking heard enough.  As a tweaker/ex-tweaker, I couldn't/can't sit still long enough to be "still" enough to calm myself and.or listen for God to speak to me in some miraculous "burning bush" manner.  So I pretty much gave up on it as BS and something from recovery that just wasn't for me; attributing it to the category of "take what you need and leave the rest."
Well, after years of scoffing at it, last night, I think I finally achieved a quiet, peaceful, tranquil enough state that I can't explain the following in any other manner other than just saying that it was like a bolt of lightning out of the blue sky; sending me a message as clear as day that I heard loud and clear and received clearly as if it was from someone shouting in my ear right next to me:  my behavior lately (namely, over the past 2 weeks) has been unacceptable and completely out of line with recovery and any sort of healthy, self-awareness increasing, accountability and responsibility increasing manner of thought.  More specifically, I've stopped creating over the last 2 weeks, and have, instead, become a black hole of soul sucking energy and am only draining the positive, well-meaning, good-intentioned energy of those around me.  I've stopped generating positive vibes and positivity and instead have become a fucking soul sucking succubus, feeding off the life force of others.

I'll expand on this more later and go into further detail of my revelation and what I plan to do on it, but I have an appointment I'm late for.

One that I believe is going to be very fun.

#naughtyfilthywhore

Handling Business

Being me is a full time job I swear.  Since waking up this morning I've been on the phone scheduling or confirming appointments, checking in with my mom, Sponsor, and other friends, and, what I'm most excited about, is scheduling interviews for this week.  Earlier in the week I applied for a data processing entry clerk position on a job ad I had seen on Craigslist.org and yesterday I  received a voicemail from someone in HR for that position.  I called her back this morning and chatted with her on the phone for about a half hour about the position, myself and what I'm looking for, my skill-set, my current climate of what I've got going on in my life right now, and the specifics and details of the position itself, should I be offered the position.  At the end of the discussion, she was very excited and eager to offer an interview slot to schedule me in at which they're also going to do an administrative skill assessment test to see how bomb I am at everything there is to do with a PC and Microsoft Office basically.  I'm excited!!!  As for today, have about another hour and a half to chill before my first meeting of the day, then have another one after that at 5:30.  After only going to 1 meeting last week, I can confidently say my level of crazy and self-centered fear and egotism has reached and all-time high and I need some recovery in me...quickly.


stay tuned...

Hibernation

So, I went to bed last night at around 2 AM.  Late and unnecessary and irresponsible yes I know...but I was up late answering job ads on Craigslist and sending my resume off to just about every ad I came across that remotely matched the description of what I'd like to be doing.  Anyway, as I said:  went to bed at 2ish, woke up at 10ish, took my morning medications then decided I was going to lay back down "just for a little bit."  And holy fucking time warp, I didn't wake up again until 8 pm.  I slept the ENTIRE fucking day.  I needed to go down to the leasing office today regarding some maintenance issues and I also needed to call my psychiatrist's office to find out when my next appointment is today, but I, clearly, missed the opportunity to do all that =\

So since I slept until 8, it looks like I'll be pulling an all nighter and am just going to stay awake up through the night, morning, and plow on through tomorrow until I can crash at a reasonable hour tomorrow night to be ready for volunteer hours on Wednesday at Morgan Specialties.  So if you read this tonight and feel like chatting, message me or text or email me, I'll be up =)

stay tuned....

Targeted: Day 2

Day 2 of having a target zero'd in on me by disgruntled neighbors.  I made progress today though and managed to get out of the apartment for a few hours to run some errands.  I got lucky because when my mom showed up to pick me up to take me shopping and to go to Walmart, the entire alley way between the apartment buildings was deserted and, much to my relief, everyone had retreated back to their lairs for the moment.  So I was able to slip out of the apartment unnoticed and go run my Sunday errands.  I got lucky again when I returned because the alley was empty then too.  So while I'm still staying indoors at all times and not going outside my front door without an escort or making sure the coast is clear, I think my mom and my sponsor may be right in their opinions that this whole thing is just going to subside and, eventually, die and be forgotten and/or the ratchet ass motherfuckers I'm having trouble with end up being evicted or just move.  While it doesn't feel like that right now as I still catch snippets of their conversations sometimes when I'm out on the patio smoking and none of them speak too highly of me, I do think that the original source of all this chaos, the guy who was sort of the leader of the pack and the poor schmuck who was the first one to get evicted in the first place is, currently, in the process of still being their voice of reason and clan-leader and is talking them out of acting out in stupid ways that would only lead to more trouble for them than they already could potentially be in considering some of the things I know that they are up to behind closed doors, as well as just how many people they have living in that apartment, which I promise you, is FAR larger than the unit lease permit allows to reside in one residence.  So I just basically have to wait it out I guess.  Tomorrow I'm gonna some serious bravery though and try leaving by myself and not having any one with me or as my escort/witness because I need to get back into a regular meeting attendance schedule and I can't let some hood rat broke ass trash motherfuckers stop me from going to get my recovery in so I don't wind up crazy like I have been the last couple of days.  In a conversation with my sponsor this afternoon, I admitted to him upon being asked that I hadn't been to a meeting since Tuesday......TUESDAY.  Obviously, he was not happy with me.  So I'm off to bed (at a reasonable hour) to catch my required 8+ hours of sleep so I can wake up on time in the morning and go to a meeting at 10:30, then another one at 2:30.

Stay tuned....

Hostage

The absolutely ratchet, low class, ghetto, thugged out, stereotypical, back-peddling, offensive behavior of certain ethnic groups never ceases to amaze me.  Due to an incident that occurred last night in which someone tried to break into my apartment (through the front fucking door....while I was home)  I, like any rational, responsible, normal member of society would do, called the police for officers to come handle the situation instead of me reverting back to old behaviors and channeling my inner thug and handling the problem with myself, my temper, and my knives I keep on hand just in case of just such an emergency.  The problem in all this is that dispatch then called me back and asked me to step outside to make contact with the police officers.  So I complied, made contact, where I then, like a fucking IDIOT, proceeded to provide all the information to the police officers that they requested as to who I believed was responsible or involved in the attempted break in, which just so happened to be one of my now ex-neighbors who had just been evicted that same day.  This neighbor also, for the record, happens to be hood AF, a drug dealer, and the prominent leader of this particular racial group residing in this apartment complex.  While I had only distinctly heard his voice and was able to confirm that it was him, I didn't, unfortunately, get a clear solid 100% confidence visual of him, which the officers told me that I needed to do in situations like this so they knew (or had an idea) of who they needed to go after and be looking for.
Here's where it get's interesting and the foreshadowing of troubling events takes place:  REGARDLESS of my lack of a positive visual recognition and confirmation of the identity of said hood rat, they still, well Gosh wouldn't you know it, just so happen to find him wandering around the complex a short distance away after a tip off from another neighbor who had seen him up to no good.  So, needless to say, any idiot can connect the dots here.  But it all went downhill from there.  Word apparently spread fast in "their" networks that I was the one that not only called the police, but provided them with all the information needed to identify and detain the person in question, which has now resulted in the situation I'm currently stuck in:  being a fucking prisoner in my own motherfucking apartment.
Another neighbor, who happens to be this person's brother, now has it out for me and is basically camped out in front of his window facing my apartment waiting for site of me, at which at his first opportunity is going to take any chance he can get at fucking me up.  My fear of this was confirmed today when I was walking back inside my apartment with a case of gatorade my mom had brought me and just as I got back into my apartment, he bolted out of his and took off up the stairs towards me to, without a doubt, attack me, but was stopped in his tracks by my guardian angel of a neighbor, S____.  She came right out and intercepted him and they proceeded to get into a shouting match full of expletives and reasons why he was going to "fuck that motherfuckiug faggot [ie.me] up.
THEN, on top of this, S____ and I discovered that the individual from last night that I helped identify as being involved in the attempted break ins, was secretly hiding out at his brother's apartment along with the rest of his hood rat clan and, from what I've gathered, now has a fucking hit out on me or some shit because, basically, if II step outside my front door or leave my apartment in the next few days, I'll probably be attacked and brutally fucked up.
So here I am, stuck in my apartment on a rainy day, hating my neighbors, people who ignorantly and obliviously play into negative stereotypes society already has about them, and also just hating this whole situation all together because I mean c'mon ....REALLY?  I'm fucking a prisoner in my own goddamn apartment?  This is some fucked up shit.

What Happens when somebody else becomes your focus

Okay so what started out as a well-intentioned, selfless, attempt at being of service to a friend who is currently in the midst of all the chaos that comes with a move (especially in his case since he's moving to Texas from Las Vegas) turned out to be a complete, total, disorganized, frustrating, argumentative, cluster fuck, that left me feeling unappreciated, kinda used, and robbed of spending any real good time with my friend before he leaves for Texas, because the only time we spent together over the last 24 hours was him giving me directions on what to throw away, keep, separate to the site for shipping, or what needed to comed with him in his car for the big drive to Texas.
Don't get me wrong I'm happy I was able to help and provide my assistance to a close friend.  Not only my assistance, but the kind of assistance that's my favorite and best quality:  organization and streamlining and categorization out of chaos and disorder.  I LIVE for that shit.  Bringing shape and order and uniformity and consistency and accuracy to what used to be an absolute mess.....It gets me excited just thinking about it.
However, lines of communication must have gotten mixed up somewhere, because after I had finished the job and everything was gathered up and placed where it needed to be (or so I thought), I get a phone call from my friend a short while later saying not only did he leave his keys to get into the house INSIDE the house, but also that he thought I meant I was going to take care of every loose odd and ends of packing up, prepping, and organization his belongings of what's being thrown away, shipped, or driven with him.  I'm not even going to lie:  that infuriated me, because I took pictures on my phone of the finished products and organized areas and also took a shot video tour of the entire house to display on video for the property management company that the house is, essentially, being returned in the same condition that my friend received it in.  Because if they see he kept up on maintenance issues and taking care of the property, he gets like over $1000 of a security deposit back. So I can understand his frustration in wanting to make sure this gets done and done right.  That's a lot of money.

But dude, seriously....it's just time to throw some shit away!!!!

Doctor's Appointment

Yeah, today was one of those days we all hate or dread or fear because of our dislike for doctor's, doctor's offices, or something about the medical profession that just rubbed us the wrong way.  Nothing about the profession rubs me the wrong way at all.  Hell, those people are in the business of saving lives; more power to 'em.  So why do I dread doctor days?  For a very specific reason and diagnosis and for those of you close to me and who know me personally will know exactly what I am talking about because I will not openly disclose it on here, as you never know who might read this and you can't trust anybody these days (no seriously, ANYBODY).
Anyway, back to my doctor's visit.  I'll skip any flourish and pomp:  it went great.  My health in this particular area is fantastic and everything else they ran tests for came back squeaky clean.  So, essentially, today, I got a clean bill of health.  Feels good to know that I may be a fuck up in some areas...but as far as personal health and taking care of myself, I officially got the doctor's approval.

Stay tuned....